There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I supernannyed him into submission
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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