i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
