Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
