whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
