I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
