He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
