Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
