I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
