threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
