You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
