I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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