well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
