I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
