I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
