dude i'm inner monologue high
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
