it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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