According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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