I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
