Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
