she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
