Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize