he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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