Just fell off a train. Bad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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