it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
