You really coming over, don't trick.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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