apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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