I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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