hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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