if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize