Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
