i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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