I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
