I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
3 2 1 whiskey
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
