the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
