do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
