he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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