Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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