I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
