please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
