I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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