Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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