You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
