I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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