he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
