my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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