She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
