It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
