i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
tell me about the fingering
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