I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
