I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
