My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
