I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
