Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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