I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am naked and annoyed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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