I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
