Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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