I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had sex on a roof
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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