Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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