I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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