Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
