The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
