i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
